


On our own

by gilleboll



Series: A Song for Every Moon [4]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-10-05 22:07:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20496083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gilleboll/pseuds/gilleboll
Summary: Jace believes more in his love for Clary and the other people around him than the Angel and what he did to Clary in His spite. There’s no one for him but Clary, and he will get her back, Heaven be damned.Part of a series of drabbles & one-shots based on the album "A Song for Every Moon" by Bruno Major





	On our own

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the song of the same name by Bruno Major.
> 
> I'd recommend you give the song a listen, though it's absolutely not required to enjoy this piece of writing!

_ ’Cause I know the world is a beautiful place _

_ Too full of love to be alone _

_ I know the world is a beautiful place _

_ But we're on our own _

* * *

” _ You’re Jace… Right? _ ”

One year. One excruciating rotation of the Earth around the Sun without Clary even knowing he existed, and now, here she stood. In front of him. Seeing him. Speaking his name. 

* * *

” _ Every single cell in my body loves you. And when those cells die, and new ones are born, those cells love you even more. So, Jace, no matter what happens… My love for you will never die. _ ”

Jace thought about those words every day. Every day for nearly three hundred and sixty five days, he repeated them like a mantra to himself and to the Angel. The Angel, Raziel; supposedly benevolent, and evidently full of spite. Jace couldn’t help but growing to hate Him. He hated Raziel a little more each day that passed and his prayers remained unanswered. 

_Please,_ _just let me have her back._

Silence. Always silence.

”Fine,” he huffed, staring into the flames dancing in his fireplace. He’d sat in front of that fireplace with Clary, more times than he had bothered to count, thinking of a future he’d been stupid enough to believe was possible for him. 

”I don’t need your help.”

The Angel remained silent.

* * *

Simon handed Jace a small tray of styrofoam cups. He took it and removed one of the cups with a grateful smile. The warm coffee in the cup radiated some much needed heat through his cold fingers. They started walking back toward the Institute with everyone’s coffee orders in their hands.

”How you holding up?” Simon asked, his breath turning into mist in the winter air. Jace sighed and shook his head a little.

”I don’t know. You’d think it’d get easier, but it really hasn’t.” Three months, and nothing had changed. Clary’s absence was still like a black hole in his chest, unrelenting and merciless and all-consuming. Sometimes it felt like it was going to eat him alive. But then, right when he’d needed it, there was Simon. Simon, who loved Clary just about as much as Jace did. Simon knew how it felt. It was actually kind of sad that  _ this _ was what they’d finally bonded over. He was a good guy. 

”No, it hasn’t,” Simon said, kicking at the ground. The sole of his sneaker scraped against the pavement. ”I really miss her.”

”Mm. You ever… gone to see her?”

Simon looked at Jace with furrowed eyebrows. ”No. Have you?”

”No. I think about it though.”

”Me too. Sometimes.”

Jace nodded, sipping his coffee. They walked the rest of the way in silence.

”Hey,” Simon said on the steps outside the Institute, catching Jace’s arm. ”We’ll… It’s going to be alright.” 

”Yeah, well… I hope you’re right.”

Simon gave his arm a friendly pat. ”Let’s go in before anyone reports us missing.”

* * *

Spring was coming around. The air was starting to smell like blooming trees, and bird song filled the silence that wasn’t already drowned out by the sounds of the city, but Jace couldn’t feel it. He sat on a bench outside the Institute, watching passers-by who couldn’t see him. He’d just gotten the news that Magnus and Alec were going to move to Alicante, and he just needed to be alone. He knew how selfish it was of him to want to keep his Parabatai around when that wouldn’t make him happier, but since the wedding, Alec had been one of the few constants left in his life. And now he was leaving. First the girl who taught him that he was worthy of love, and then his brother and platonic soulmate. Who’s next? The woman who took him in and raised him like a son? The one other person who missed Clary just as much as he did? His sister, for whom he’d do anything to protect and who’d do the same for him? He sighed and put his head in his hands.

_ What’s this for then? Huh? What did I do this time? _

No answer. As always.

He looked back up at the people walking the street ahead of him. People talking, holding hands, listening to music. He wondered if any of them had that same barrier between them and the world around them that Jace did. Maybe everyone did, to some degree. 

”Jace?”

The light but warm touch of a hand on his shoulder brought him back to himself. He looked up to find Izzy standing beside him with a concerned frown. ”Can I sit?” 

Jace jerked his head in a gesture for her to sit. She slid onto the bench next to him with a light sigh. She rested her head on his shoulder. 

”It’s kind of terrible, isn’t it?” she said. Jace put his arm around her and pulled her into a one-armed sideways hug.

”Yeah. I’ll miss him,” Jace said.

”It’s not just about Alec though. Right?”

Jace took a deep breath and looked back out into the street. ”No,” he sighed.

Izzy’s head lifted from Jace’s shoulder. ”I miss Clary every day too. She was going to be my Parabatai.”

Jace’s eyes returned to Isabelle. She was looking at the mundanes walking by, much like Jace had done before she arrived.

”It was really unfair of the Angel to do that to her,” she continued. Jace nodded. He couldn’t really find anything to say. There was a flash of fiery bright orange on the street, in the corner of his eye, and for one painful, hopeful moment he thought it was Clary. His heart went from beating out of his chest to dropping into the pit of his stomach as he realized that it was just another stranger. Just another one of thousands.

* * *

There was a soft knock on his door — too soft to have been Alec or Izzy. He didn’t get off the bed to open the door. For a moment, he thought he was going to be left alone, but then the door opened and Maryse looked inside.

”Isabelle said you’d be in here,” she said. Her voice was soft, in that motherly way that made Jace feel like a kid again. ”Can I come in?”

”Yeah.”

His mother stepped into his room and closed the door behind her. Jace sat up on the bed. He was fully dressed, and the bed sheets were pulled taught and tucked in under the mattress. He just hadn’t had the energy to leave the room, or do anything other than lie down and stare at the ceiling. Not three days ago, Clary had slept in this bed with him. A lot could change in such a short time. Maryse sat down on the foot end of the bed and placed a gentle hand on Jace’s shin. 

”Talk to me,” she said. In many ways, her children were just like her; direct and to the point, a little brash sometimes, but so caring when the situation called for it. 

Jace cleared his throat. ”I…” His words failed him. He shook his head, face turned down to look at his hands. Maryse gave his leg a little squeeze.

”It’s okay. I can talk. Clary spoke to me. Before… before she left,” she said. Jace lifted his head to look at her.

”What did she say?”

”She asked if I thought the Angels are capable of forgiveness. I thought she was talking about Jonathan, but…” Maryse trailed off.

”But she was talking about herself,” Jace filled in. His mom nodded. 

”She didn’t want any of this.”

”No, I don’t think she did,” Maryse affirmed. 

Jace took a deep breath. His throat felt tight, like he might cry. ”I don’t know what to do without her. Isn’t the Angel supposed to care about people? Look out for them?” 

Maryse gave him a little smile. ”That’s what I like to believe.”

”So then why? Why do this to her? To me?”

Her smile went away, and her eyebrows drew closer together. ”I don’t know, Jace. I’m sorry.”

* * *

_ I’m starting to wonder if you’re really like people say you are. I wanna think that you’d say something, do  _ something _ , to give me answers.  _

He looked at his hands, clasped on his lap. Jace had stopped expecting the Angel to answer him or do anything at all to acknowledge him, but he never stopped praying to Him every day. He didn’t know if it was hope, or if it was general stubbornness that made him keep up the charade. In a way, it was kind of affirming to consistently not get his answer. It could be incentive to take action on his own. He let out a deep sigh and let go of his hands. He stood up from his piano stool to pace a lap around the room.

”Why do I even try?” he muttered, more to himself than to any celestial or seraphic beings that could have been listening. Still, he felt the frustration building in him, rising like steam in a geyser about to erupt, as the Angels turned yet another deaf ear. He aimed a kick at one of the legs of the piano stool. The stool skidded an inch or two across the wood floor as his foot hit it. 

”Answer me, damn it,” he growled through gritted teeth.

_ Please. _

* * *

” _ Yeah. Yeah, I’m Jace. _ ”

” _ Yeah? I’m- I’m Clary. Um… What are these tattoos on your neck? _ ”

The rest of the world fell away when Clary touched him. It was so familiar to him, but totally new at the same time. Her fingers brushed along the rune on his neck, up toward his face. There was nothing else, just Clary in front of him, her soft fingers on his cheek and unabashed curiosity in her eyes. And the aching longing deep in Jace’s chest. His entire body was screaming to have her in his arms again.

* * *

_ I’ve decided I don’t care. I’m getting her back, whether you like it or not. I’m done trying to get you to listen. I don’t need you. I’d walk through Hell all over again for Clary and I don’t care if you punish me for it. _

* * *

There was recognition in Clary’s smile. Jace had to swallow hard before he could speak.

”I think you might know that,” he said. It was difficult not to kiss her. She was so close, and it would be so easy to just lean in. But no. Jace knew that if anything was going to happen between them, it had to happen on her terms. He couldn’t be sure she remembered anything more than his name. 

”Runes…” she mumbled, eyes flitting from Jace’s own to the black lines snaking out from under the neckline of his shirt. His heart skipped a beat and he felt the corners of his mouth tugging upward.

”Yeah,” Jace croaked. Clary’s hand left his cheek to brush over the side of her neck. The very same spot where Jace had drawn an Iratze on her last year. Her first rune.

”Did I…?”

Jace nodded. ”You’ve had them,” he confirmed.

”I remember. Sort of…” She dropped her hand from her neck and placed it on her arm instead. Jace watched her hand hover up and down her forearm, as if it couldn’t really settle comfortably anywhere.

”There used to be one here too,” she said, touching her arm around the place where Jace could remember her Angelic rune being. Jace nodded. He couldn’t bring himself to speak, he knew his voice wouldn’t carry. She remembered.

* * *

He remembered how Izzy had hugged him after he’d found Clary’s letter. How his brothers and his parents had done the same. Hell, even Simon had given him a hug. Jace had felt too lost and utterly broken to object to it. Not that he’d ever admit it, but it had actually made him feel a little better. Well,  _ better _ wasn’t the right word. Less like he was adrift at sea with no chart. 

” _ I’m so sorry, Jace. Whatever you need; we’re here. _ ”

Thinking back, Jace didn’t know what he’d done without everyone there. How alone he would have felt if he hadn’t had them. Without his family, he’d truly be nothing. Some part of him knew he didn’t deserve them, at the same time as another part of him knew that he did, even though he wasn’t what —  _ who  _ — he wanted to be yet. He would get there, one day. With the help of those who loved him, he’d get there.

* * *

And then she was crying. Her lip trembled, the tears welling in her eyes spilling over and rolling down her cheeks. The shift from her curious smile to her trying to swallow her sobs was so sudden that Jace hadn’t been able to keep up. 

”I- Clary-”

The sudden heat of her body against his was nearly too much for him. Her arms still held him the same, and the faint lavender scent of her shampoo was still the same. The way her lips fit against his was still the same when she kissed him. He put his arms around her waist, drawing her closer. He held her tight, almost clutching her to him, disregarding any worries about what the Angel might do to put a stop to this. Anything He could do — no amount of heavenly fire, no amount of runes burned off his skin, nothing — could keep him away from Clary, now that he had her back.

But nothing happened. No fire, no smiting. None of his marks were seared off his skin. He pulled back from the kiss and rested his forehead against Clary’s. She was smiling through her still streaming tears. Jace couldn’t hold back a smile either. He ran a careful hand through the bright red curls of her hair. 

”You’re back.”

”Jace,” Clary mumbled, sounding as if she was trying out the word. It still sounded just as right as it always did when she spoke it. ”Jace, Jace. I love you. I missed you, and I’m so sorry.”

”Don’t be sorry. I love you too,” he answered. ”More than I think I’ll ever understand.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading and i hope you liked it! i'd be delighted if you checked out the other things i've written based on other songs from this album! and of course as always, i greatly appreciate any comments and kudos you have to give <3


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